A letter to my 13-year old self

Fiwa and Dawn have inspired me. I’ve been composing this letter in my head for a few days now. I thought it would be cathartic and even thinking about it turned out to be. But it’s sort of terrifying…to go back and rake up all the stuff you need to tell your 13 year-old self. But I’ve done it. Hold on, here we go.

Hi Gin,

Wow, this is going to be really freaky, but it’s a little journey we’re going to take together. I know you’re only 13 but there are some things you should know about life.

It’s 2008, so see, they were wrong, the world didn’t end at the stroke of midnight 2000! Martians haven’t taken over the planet, nor has anyone had to have the numbers 666 tattooed on their foreheads. In fact, all those urban legends that spawned so many fears in the brains of you and all your peers in your junior high years turned out to be fake, false and actually funny.

In the great landscape of things to come… Lesson #1 _Don’t believe everything you hear! It’s a lesson, which once learned, will serve you well over this long road that’s your life. It takes you a while, but somewhere around your mid-30’s you’ll finally ‘get it’. Not that you’ll become jaded or lose your wide-eyed innocence, but you’ll begin to get real.

Brace yourself and be ready in your life for a lot of real love, a lot of false love, and a lot of lost love. The false love is something that wasn’t meant to be in the first place, so don’t take it too seriously. The lost love will kick your ass, but you’ll get up, brush yourself off and somehow make it thru. And it’s the real love that ends up getting you thru all the other shit. Lesson #2 _ Love hard and give your heart, but don’t lose your own identity along the way. It’s all good. You’ll learn a lot from the good stuff, but even more from the not so good stuff.

Another thing you won’t believe right now, but it’s true. Your little sisters, yeah, you know, the little brats that get into your things and the ones you have to babysit all the time, and who annoy the piss out of you…well they turn out to be your best friends in all the world. People will come and go thru your life. Friend who you thought would be there forever, leave for one reason or another, but your sisters…they’ll be there and you’ll all be close. So will your baby brother. Yep, even him. All five of you will stay really close. Freaky, eh? Lesson #3_Family is important, probably one of the most important things of all, they have the same history as you and understand like no one else does…hold them dear.

Your intuition is borderline psychic, you’re right about a lot of the things you have in your mind about the people in your life. In 2 years, you’ll meet the man you’re going to marry. You’ll think he’s cute but a dorky, country bumpkin at first, but you’ll manage to somehow look past that first impression and figure it all out. Then when you’re 18 and going to college, you’ll know that he’s the best thing that could ever happen to you and when he gives you an engagement ring, you’ll accept. You’ll be right. The two of you will have a son who will bring you the best joy and some of the worst pain you’ll ever feel. Not from his birth but from his life. I only wish I could convince you to stay in college and finish, even tho you want to get married. I know that even at that time, you felt you should get your education before you got married. Lesson #4_Trust your intuition, it’s right most of the time. Even tho you spend your entire life in a thirsty quest for knowledge, you’ll always regret not getting it on paper. You’ll feel like you missed something by not getting that degree. The world wants to see a degree for the most part. You’ll be right about a lot of the people who come into your life, too. Trust yourself. Just do it.

By 2008 you will have lost a lot of key people in your world. You’ll lose your mom totally unexpectedly when you’re 36 years old and it will hit you and your family really hard. You’ll miss her everyday of your life, but you’ll know that she’s there with you during the hardest times you go thru. You’ll become a widow at 46 and your life will totally change forever. The future you thought you’d have will be jerked out from under you like a rug and you’ll feel yourself falling. While you’re down on the ground, you’ll experience things that are so out of your realm and not like you, in search of your single self. But you’ll survive and once again pick yourself up, get a job and a good life again. It takes time but you’ll grasp a sense of self and a sort of bravery from these deaths and realize that you have strength you never ever knew you’d have. Lesson #5_You’re strong, never ever ever forget that.

You’ll also learn that death isn’t the only way someone can leave your life for good. Angst, hostility and fear will take a toll in your world, too. But don’t be afraid, you’ll handle it and come out stronger for it in the long run. You’ll learn that you have no control over the feelings of others. You can’t convince people they’re wrong if they think they’re right. Even if it seems so crazy to you. Just know that you will manage to go on, and you’ll have to get help with this one, but you’ll learn that you had no control over these losses anymore than you can control the loss of someone who dies. People have their own agendas and all you can do is your best for them. But that doesn’t mean that you have to buy into their insanity. Lesson # 6_Be true to yourself.

You’ll do yourself proud when you’re older by how you and your sisters and brother take care of your dad when he’s elderly. He gets Alzheimer’s and needs lots of attention. I know it’s hard for you to believe now, but he mellows out and isn’t the Czar of Terror you are used to dealing with. You’ll eventually come to realize that he was just doing the best he knew how. That’s all a parent can do. You’ll eventually forgive him for all the fear he instilled in you and all the insecurities about yourself he was partly responsible for putting in your mind. And believe it or not, you’ll actually enjoy spending time with him. Lesson #7_Forgive.

Don’t ever lose your confidence. You’ll have jobs you never thought you’d be able to do. But you’ll do them and you’ll do a great job of it! You’re going to be a reporter! A reporter/photog for the main newspaper (you know the one). I know, I know, you had no education in journalism (okay, maybe a degree wasn't all that!) and a stint on the high school paper didn’t really count. You get the job just days after your mom dies. Just a couple months after a conversation with your mom about how fun it would be to become a reporter, long after you forgot you put in an application for an open position. It’s sort of a free-lance thing where you write and take photos for the area you live in. You’ll believe your mom had something to do with getting you the job, even beyond the grave. You’ll believe that as long as you live. In later years, you’ll also drive a school bus. Yeah, for a living! It’s a blast and the graviest job in the world. Lesson #8_Never lose your ability to be surprised by opportunity.

And the next lesson I have for you is this…Lesson #9_Never give up on love. When you’re down and out because of a dirtyrotten man doing you wrong, and your favorite saying is “a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”, and you swear you never want another man in your life, you’re going to find a man who is the kindest, sweetest, bestest man in the whole world. You’re going to find him in a most unusual way, almost missing him by a whisper, but you will grasp that connection by threads and you’re going to be so lucky you do. His name is Andy and he’s going to love you unconditionally and help get you thru some tough times in your life. He’ll be your rock, your anchor. He’ll be your partner, your friend and your lover.

And last but not least, Lesson #10_Always have a dog. Since you’re only 13, you haven’t ever had a dog. Dad won’t let you. But trust me on this one. You will have dogs, lots of dogs. Mom will finally win out and you’ll get a rescue mutt for your birthday when you’re 15. He’s a scoundrel and a scamp, but you’ll love him dearly. Dad will make you get rid of him in a year and it will break your heart. It’s okay, there will be more dogs. Some pedigreed and some mutts found on the road. You’ll become a decent dog trainer and have a lot of fun going to obedience classes, showing a bit and just having wonderful dogs in your life. And don’t think you’re only a big dog person! Your heart will be completely won over by a Chihuahua in the long away years to come. Yeah, believe it! You’ll have horses too! They’ll become the focus of your hobby-life for over 30 years. You’re also going to be the president of a saddle club and announce horse shows. Yeah, public speaking isn’t that scary at all, you just have to get used to it. Oh yeah, you’re going to have horses for a long time. Lots and lots of horses. So all that pining away and all the times dad told you that you couldn’t have a horse…well you will. And it will be some of the best times of your life. You will eventually have to get out of the horse thing, but you’ll be okay with it at the time.

Just try to keep smiling, you have a good life for the most part and your smile makes people happy! And making people happy is really cool.

Love and Bughugs from your older self,
Ginni